But I like the clouds

imageThere is a saying about the clouds parting and everything becoming clearer.  
My mind’s fog lifts and an eery clarity is found in my mind’s eye.  
There is a little person with evil laughing eyes crouching behind my head.  

She is in my head and outside of it at the same time.  

She has an ugly face and pointy nose.  

She is a he as well.  

It is a beast.  

A demon. 
The little beast peels away the protective layer from my skin’s nerve endings.

Dark thoughts float down and land on my skin.

I watch them land, like snowflakes, one at a time.  

I can feel every thought on every end of every nerve.   

It stings and bites and I want to smack it and scratch it away.  
I try to focus elsewhere, but there is no sense trying.  

The beast is a force stronger than any will power, or distraction.  

Just to see it’s face. I am petrified.

I pull out weapons I am ashamed of.
To escape his talons, a pill or puff or sip help blur out his face.

I want to numb the skin before the stinger penetrates any further.

Nothing helps.  I wait.  I hope.

Maybe it won’t come again.
One more little blue pill to make me sleep.  

That is my temporary escape.

Away from the beast that hates me.  

Morning will come and I pray that the beast will remain in it’s cave.

One day at a time they say.    


13 thoughts on “But I like the clouds

    1. I will. I just get frustrated sometimes.
      That one epiphany was a biggy though! It’s changed so much how I feel about things! I can remember my parents and feel love and loved instead of just hurt and pain.
      I still need to write about what happened next! It’s quite a story! Coming soon lol

      Liked by 1 person

      1. When I worked on Crisis Hotline, so many people I talked to were experiencing depression and as we talked they realized that they had a loss they had never fully grieved or not grieved at all. We stuff the grief and it has to come out somewhere so most often it comes out sideways. Someone says something to you and you explode and ask yourself, “Where did that come from?” Just an example but I’m sure you get what I am saying. Keep on keepin on, friend. I’m here if you need me.πŸ˜‰


      2. It’s so frustrating bc you think, Damn! I should be past this by now! It makes me feel like I’m weak and I’m just not supposed to be this way so I just keep stuffing I guess. I like how you said it comes out sideways lol That’s a pretty accurate description!
        Thanks for your kind words always! You’ve been a big help to me even though it’s through an unconventional way in a blog! Thank you ❀️

        Liked by 1 person

      3. It has been my pleasure, right back at you. Something I have experienced, as do most people in therapy, when you get to a certain point, you will cry a lot. When I pointed it out to my first therapist, she said “You are right on target.”. What? When you get to whatever point that is, all those stuffed feelings will start to come out. Don’t repress them, get to your favorite meditation locations and let the tears fall. It is healing. Some people set aside a set amount of time to allow themselves to cry each time so they can get on with their lives. These are things they usually don’t think to tell you in therapy. lol 😳


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