I wish that girl would SHUT UP


When I was in the hospital, this 20 year old girl would walk around sometimes and say,
” I feel so manic-y! I must’ve had too much sugar in my coffee this morning!” As she spoke, her arms smacked her side up and down, up and down, like a baby bird trying to figure out what to do with it’s wings. She would walk around really fast and chat it up with anyone who would listen. ” I had too much sugar! I’m on a sugar high! ”

Needless to say, after about 20 minutes, I was thinking to myself that she must be wanting attention. Even though I’m bipolar myself, I have never been around a group of other people with mood disorders. Much less 20 of them.

Later on that day, I noticed Chatty Cathy was awfully quiet. She moped around and hardly said a word. The look on her face read, “Leave me the fuck alone”.

Looking back, I’m a little ashamed of myself for thinking that she just wanted attention. Why the hell would she be in that place if she just wanted attention? The reason she was there was because she was suicidal. She IS bipolar. This is what bipolar people do. Duh.

Now that I’m on new meds, I am constantly monitoring myself.
“Am I talking too fast?”
“Did I paint my bedroom yesterday because of manic energy or is that just me? I know I am not a lazy person and I can accomplish things without being manic. Right?”
“Am I getting irritable? Is it mania or is it because that girl is being an asshole?”
“If I’m irritable because of mania, does that mean depression is coming?”
“I’m feeling kinda crappy this morning. Is that depression coming on?”

This whole dialogue in my head is tiresome and irritating. I don’t want to think about these things, and I guess it irritated me to see with my own eyes someone else who was behaving in a way that I am terrified that I might or have acted. That I could possibly irritate people with behaviors that are weird and annoying, and beyond my control. What if people think I am just wanting attention? Get the smallest violin out, right? That’s kind of stupid when I think about how worried I am about how people think about me.

Today, I am jumping headfirst into EMDR to help me not worry so much about offending people. Well, maybe not jumping. More like, head down, slowly shuffling towards my therapist, like a dog who’s about to receive his punishment for chewing up Dad’s shoes.

My grandparents emotionally abused me for years. I have struggled with low self-esteem for over 25 years. I can’t say the words, “I am a good person” out loud without choking on the words, crying, and nausea. The pit of my stomach feels twisted, and the twisting sensation moves up into my throat causing me to gag. This is PTSD. I know this now.

I hope that dealing with this in therapy will help me not worry about what people think of me so much. Constantly worrying whether you’ve hurt someone’s feelings, offended someone, pissed someone off, been irritating or looked stupid, thoughtless, selfish, and hurtful, can make a person feel pretty bad about themselves. It causes me a lot of anxiety.

According to my grandparents, I did all of those things to them, and I didn’t even know it until I was attacked verbally about my latest offense. The worst one of all was that I was killing them because of my selfishness. My behavior was causing them so much stress that they were literally going to die, and it would be my fault. Evidently, according to them, I had that kind of power. Who knew?

The next thing we’ll probably work on today was the constant reminder from my grandmother of how I used to make my mother cry before she died. I caused my mom so much pain when I was in my early teens that evidently, she would go to my grandmother and cry. I was a little bitch when I was 13 and 14 and going through that hormone thing, and my grandparents never let me forget it. Thankfully, I got over that phase before they did die. I remember them saying when my brother went through it, “It’s just a phase, his sister went through it too”. I still feel bad however, when I think about how I caused them pain and made them cry. I tell myself that it was normal, but my grandparents just drove the guilt home.

Wish me luck today when I go to EMDR. My goal is to be able to confidently say,
“I am a good person!”

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19 thoughts on “I wish that girl would SHUT UP

  1. Hey Tracey,
    If you weren’t a good person, you wouldn’t care. Here’s a mantra for you “I am a child of God, I deserve to be here just like the trees and stars, I am loved, God loves me.” Of course, if you don’t believe in God, you can substitute “my higher power” or just leave the name out. I have shared before that I also beat myself up constantly and remember every thing that I perceive as stupid or hurtful that I have done in my whole life. I do not have bi-polar disorder but I am ADD. We shouldn’t let people or even doctors label us

  2. Whoops.
    I do not have bi-polar disorder but I do have ADD. We should not label ourselves or let others do it for us. You are not a disorder, you have a dis-order. I am not a disorder, I have a dis-order. Maybe if we dissect the word disorder, we will get it. It just means that we are not perfect, a bit of us is out of order. You and I both address our issues and educate ourselves, seeking therapy. So…..best of luck today in therapy. I feel good when I get something out in the open, hope you do too. Smile my friend and cry if you need to.

    1. So we’re both “take care of shit” girls lol
      Elvis had TCB- taking care of business. I like TCS- taking care of shit lol
      Youre right. I am not my illness. Im learning that more and more. I am finding too that blogs are a great support system. Thanks for your kind words always 😉

      1. The constant monitoring, mostly. It’s so exhausting. Like we doubt everything we do.

        And I was sobbing last night with the overwhelming realization that I just can’t believe I’m a good person. Or even really like myself.

      2. I felt the same way every day until my meds kicked in. I know it took at least four weeks and they said it could take up to six. If you feel like that a lot your meds could need tweeking. How long have you been on what youre taking now?

      3. They put me on Abilify too. If in a couple more weeks you dont feel better you need to make changes.
        Hang in there Ruby. Try to remember that you feel this way ONLY bc the chemicals in your brain are out of whack. Its like a little devil asshole is whispering in your ear all these negative lies about yourself and right now you’re brain is not stable enough to tell him to fuck off! This is temporary.

      4. We learned this in group, but i had to look it up to be able to write it. Helps me to break it down.
        Dopamine, Seratonin, and Norepinephrine are the three main ones.
        Imbalance of just the serotonin levels result in an increase in anger, anxiety, depression, and panic.
        Norepinephrine controls stress and anxiety.
        Its all about the chemicals 😉
        We’re good people dammit! 😊

  3. Tracy, good luck with EMDR. I did it, loved it. Amazing if you can just let it flow, you have all the answers you are looking for already inside you. EMDR is so amazing. It wakes up the part of you that needs to resolve the issue of your inquiry. You may feel like a mess, but honestly, I relate to what you write and you are in a very good place! On the verge of major good stuff, and ultimately loving yourself, all of you, exactly as you are. Monitoring your thoughts does get monotonous and then suddenly, your thoughts are better and better. It is said, that we are attracted to people who have more of what we want more of in ourselves. We are annoyed, irritated, repulsed by people who display aspects we don’t like about ourselves. I believe you touched on this. Good luck to you!

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