Do you ever feel like a burden to your spouse and/or family because of your mental issues? I have always felt guilty about the stress and problems I have caused my husband, especially, even though I know it’s not my fault that I have bipolar disorder and PTSD. He’s never once done anything to make me feel guilty, it’s just how I feel. Especially when I’m depressed. I think that’s common.
So, I think, “Man, it must suck so bad to have to put up with a wife with all these depressive periods, and mood swings. I’ve been in the freakin hospital with this crap, squalling on the bed for days at a time, manic episodes where I’m trying to quit my job or cuss out my friends. Always going to the doctor, tweaking my meds. He’s had to call in sick to his job so I wouldn’t be home by myself. God, I feel so bad that he has to put up with this shit from me. I’m a lucky woman to have this man in my life.”
The other day I was diagnosed with neuropathy. Neuropathy! What the hell?!? We don’t know why yet, I just started bloodwork yesterday, and I have to do nerve testing on my feet. I’ve had pain in my feet and legs for a while, but the last year or so, weird symptoms, different pains, and numbness have showed up, so I went to the doctor about it. For the longest, I just figured that leg and foot pain was just part of being a hairdresser…you know, an occupational hazard!
The pain has gotten to a point where, I can work about five to six hours and then my feet hurt so bad it kills me to continue standing. If I sit for more than a few minutes, I look like a ninety-year old woman walking on hot coals for about 15 or 20 feet before it works itself out. I just spent $250 on another pair of shoes and inserts that seem to just be a waste of money.
There’s not a whole lot you can do about this condition, they say, except try to keep it from getting worse. That is already proving to be a difficult task. I’m trying to adjust my work schedule to not work too many hours, and get a stool to sit on for time consuming services. My doctor says I should swim for exercise, instead of more walking to get the twenty pounds of weight off that Latuda and then Lithium were kind enough to help me pack on. Swimming? When in the hell am I going to go swimming?
So, who knows why I have neuropathy. We might never know, or we might find out I have diabetes or some other condition. And, you know what keeps running through my mind? That I am possibly adding another burden onto my family! I don’t want to complain, or bitch about the pain if I can help it, because I don’t want my husband to have to listen to it all of the time. I don’t want him to have to worry about me or my health. I don’t want to have to work less hours and make us strapped financially. I don’t want to walk like an old lady and have to wear big ugly shoes (Ok, that’s about me lol)!
The guilt I already am beginning to feel is something I know I’m going to have to fight. Logic tells me he knows I can’t help it, he loves me, blah blah blah. But, dang! Sometimes I can’t help wondering…if he knew twenty-seven years ago what he was signing up for…would he would sign up again?