Two days ago, God was an invisible waterfall, crashing over the tops of the trees behind my house. He and I had a lengthy argument. I cried and I cussed. I was figuring out what He was doing. What His plan was to destroy me.
You know how everyone wonders, “I wonder how I’m going to die? Car crash, cancer, etc…” It became clear to me that this illness is how I’m going to die. Just like that. I don’t like to talk about the details, or think about them. It’s not time.
As I was arguing with the Big Man, a person was sitting right next to me, whispering in my ear. It was me. I was strong. I was saying, “FUCK HIM”, this is NOT how it’s going to go down. We’re going to stop him!
I’m not going to go into the whole thing…I can’t even remember a lot of it. This is the first time this has ever happened. I knew that God wasn’t LITERALLY a waterfall, but he kinda was…he was just invisible and I knew he was there. Like an invisible friend.
I know that I didn’t really split into another person. But it sure did feel like I did.
I don’t know what this means or what is happening to me. I know it’s not good. I am scared.
On another note, I just finished 12 rounds of shock therapy. I’m going to say it didn’t work lol.
I’m working on getting appts w my doctor, and I considered checking into the hospital. But I just can’t move for some reason. I feel frozen. I’m afraid that when I’m finally able to share my bipolar diagnosis, that it is changing to something very worse.
I am a control freak. I need labels and signs, and things that say what the fuck this is. I’m not sure that’s totally possible…we’ll see.